My mom cries almost everynight, and my dad just watch.
Maybe it’s because he knows there’s nothing to be done, and my mom felt like it’s all her fault.
Truly and deeply both mom and dad loves me, and would hate to see me go. But when the universe have a way of complicating life and feelings, how must one keep their ego?
Dear mom, I love you, I hope you take good care of dad and brother.
And dad, I hope you understand why I do what I do. It might not come to terms with your beliefs, but at least this is what I know.
I know that love spreads vastly between the widest oceans,
that age is not just a number,
and gender is not just an identity.
I know that loving hard for the wrong person can cause pain, that even God himself admits to be enduring and suffocating.
I know that our worth is not based on other people’s judgement, and that kind doings shouldn’t expect paybacks. I know that we can never rely on anyone but ourselves, and that family is family no matter what.
But dad, did you know?
All this time,
I’ve been faking it.
I faked my happiness.
I faked my smiles.
I faked about being okay, and that I’m not dying inside.
I faked being perfect, cause nobody is. And on top of all that, I faked being excited to live.
The truth is I’m tired, and I’m in pain. I’m sad, but also just really mad.
Every wrong doings from the universe didn’t taught me how to be stronger. It taught me, that I was weak. That I was unworthy, and that I wouldn’t survive. I lied about being okay. I really am not. I should have died a long time ago, but I thought I would be strong enough. But I wasn’t, and I’m not, and I probably never will be.
They say God never gives us problems that we can’t face.
I am the problem,
and I can’t face myself.
I can’t bring myself to tell you how I feel about the people I love.
I can’t be true to you about life.
Simply because I know you won’t accept it.
But it’s okay dad,
sometimes I hate myself too,
for being who I am.
But dad, I’m weak, and I don’t want to make you and mom sad again.
So I’m sorry.
I hope things get better and mom would stop crying, I can’t bear seeing that pretty face cry. Daddy, please take care of my family.